Sometimes Bad Guys Send the Best Text Messages
by Mendeia
Summary: Communication is key to a successful con - so sometimes it's a wonder anything ever gets done when Leverage, Inc is on the job. And the banter over the comms is NOTHING to what happens when five thieves take the time to text. Oneshot.


This is the first fic for Leverage I've got for this year, but it won't be the last! I think I'm posting nothing but Leverage until the end of July. So, let's start with something just fun.

Enjoy!

* * *

Eliot to Nate: She's doing it again.

Nate to Eliot: Parker? Or Sophie?

Eliot to Nate: Correction. They're BOTH doing it again.

Nate to Eliot: Understood. I'll bring the fire extinguishers.

-==OOO==-

Parker to Hardison: Why don't phones meow?

Hardison to Parker: Wait. What?

Parker to Hardison: Is there any reason this phone doesn't meow?

Hardison to Parker: Do...you want it to?

Parker to Hardison: Obviously.

Hardison to Parker: Okay. Try it now. I remotely added a MEOW button just for you.

Parker to Hardison: MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOW!

Hardison to Parker: Age of the geek, baby.

-==OOO==-

Parker to Sophie: So. Hypothetically.

Sophie to Parker: Oh god. What is it?

Parker to Sophie: I've been grifting a lot lately.

Sophie to Parker: Yes…

Parker to Sophie: And my feet are WAY smaller than yours. Like, WAY smaller.

Sophie to Parker: I'll ignore the implicit insult in that and hope you are soon to get to the point. Which is?

Parker to Sophie: Hypothetically. If I needed grifting shoes, where would I steal them?

Sophie to Parker: Parker, you can't steal your shoes! I mean, obviously YOU can, but there is something so innately WRONG in that! Shoes are an individual expression of self, and in the case of grifting, of the character you are trying to portray. You can't just grab any old pair off a shelf. You must immerse yourself in the act of auditioning the shoes, of comparing them side-by-side while a nervous salesman tries not to stare at your legs. Only then will you truly understand which shoes can grant the essence of the emotion you need to convey.

Parker to Sophie: Never mind. You took too long, so I asked Hardison to raid your credit card transactions and buy your shoes in my size.

Sophie to Parker: You are spoiling the art of grifting! That's like pouring acid on a Monet!

Parker to Sophie: Or I could go shoe shopping with you and end up pouring acid on the first guy who tried to touch my feet.

Sophie to Parker: All right. I see your point. But I warn you, you will have no luck with shoes bought without first investigating their soul!

Parker to Sophie: Don't you mean sole?

Sophie to Parker: It wasn't a joke!

Parker to Sophie: Trust me. It was.

-==OOO==-

Eliot to Hardison: How hard would it be for you to pull some sealed files from the DHS?

Hardison to Eliot: Easier than you breaking down a door.

Eliot to Hardison: Good. That's next on my list. I'mma break down this door. You get the files.

Hardison to Eliot: Exactly which files do you need?

Eliot to Hardison: Any of them that have the words 'torture' and 'bamboo' in them.

Hardison to Eliot: WHY DO YOU NEED THOSE FILES?

Eliot to Hardison: Tell you what. Get them for me, and I won't tell you why.

Hardison to Eliot: Deal.

-==OOO==-

Parker to Nate: That was really scary.

Nate to Parker: I'm sorry. I should have prepared you for things going sideways like that.

Parker to Nate: Not THAT. That was fine.

Nate to Parker: Then what was scary?

Parker to Nate: How'd you know I'd end up underneath the bush shaped like a weird panda?

Nate to Parker: It was either that or you'd have to risk hiding the cash in the hot tub. And I figured you'd rather blow your cover than drown the money.

Parker to Nate: You're very smart. And I still think it's scary.

Nate to Parker: Likewise.

-==OOO==-

Nate to Hardison: Parker is meowing at the mark. Can't you mute her phone?

Hardison to Nate: Dude. Either the app meows or she'll start doing it from the vents herself. Just be glad I can control the volume on the app.

Nate to Hardison: I can't believe I'm going to have to plan contingencies for 'if Parker meows from an air duct at an inopportune moment.'

Hardison to Nate: Better you than us. Eliot would just break the phone.

Nate to Hardison: Eliot's idea is now Plan A.

-==OOO==-

Sophie to Eliot: I have a personal request for you.

Eliot to Sophie: Need somebody handled?

Sophie to Eliot: No, though thank you for the offer. I was thinking more along the lines of an exchange.

Eliot to Sophie: What for what?

Sophie to Eliot: You cook your finest dinner for Nate and I tonight. And in return I won't neuro-program you to laugh at all of Hardison's geeky jokes.

Eliot to Sophie: That is low.

Sophie to Eliot: Do we have a deal?

Eliot to Sophie: How do you feel about lobster?

-==OOO==-

Eliot to Hardison: I am a meanie pants and broke Parker's phone! Get her a new one! RIGHT NOW!

Hardison to Eliot: Parker. You know he's gonna kill you when he realizes you swiped his phone.

Eliot to Hardison: His phone is weird. And it has all these phone numbers for girls who spell their names with an i instead of a y. When did we run a con with anybody named Bambi or Cyndi or Sandi?

Hardison to Eliot: You know...he might have a virus or something. Bring me the phone and I'll be sure to take a look. Just in case. For security purposes only.

Eliot to Hardison: If you take any of those girls' numbers, I'm going to break your fingers.

Hardison to Eliot: Parker, was that you? Or did Eliot steal his phone back?

Eliot to Hardison: Does it matter?

Hardison to Eliot: Nope. Not a bit. Okay. No swiping a ton of hot chicks' phone numbers. That Eliot got SOMEHOW.

Eliot to Hardison: Because mister meanie pants got game, man.

Hardison to Eliot: I'm gonna make that your new codename, Eliot. Mister Meanie-Pants.

Eliot to Hardison: I don't care.

Hardison to Eliot: And you're buying Parker the new phone.

Eliot to Hardison: Or else what?

Hardison to Eliot: I'll put the meowing app on YOUR phone and show her how to hack into it any time she wants.

Eliot to Hardison: Don't you dare.

Hardison to Eliot: Buy her the damn phone, then.

Eliot to Hardison: Fine! As soon as I get my wallet back.

Hardison to Eliot: Aw, the big tough hitter got beat by my girl TWICE.

Eliot to Hardison: Yeah, and your girl can beat you into a pulp without breaking a sweat! And if you don't shut up, I'll help her do it.

Hardison to Eliot: Shutting up now.

Eliot to Hardison: That still looks like texting. You suck at shutting up.

Hardison to Eliot: Is that really a surprise? How long have you known me, bro?

Eliot to Hardison: Too long. Now go away. Parker and I need to get her a new phone and me a new wallet – the old one didn't survive a second lift.

Hardison to Eliot: Pick up some soda for me on the way.

Eliot to Hardison: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN ERRAND BOY

Hardison to Eliot: And Sophie says we're out of her favorite whatever-it-is wine and Nate wants some fruit because he says we're all going to get scurvy.

Eliot to Hardison: Dammit Hardison! I wish you WOULD get scurvy.

Eliot to Hardison: Don't worry. I'll cheer him up before we get all your stuff. I told Eliot I'd let him help me pick out a new bowie knife.

Hardison to Eliot: Eliot. Don't you dare teach Parker anything hinky to do with that knife. You hear me, bro?

Hardison to Eliot: Eliot. I ain't playing. Don't teach her knife tricks.

Hardison to Eliot: I'll tell Nate on you if I have to.

Hardison to Eliot: ELIOT!

Eliot to Hardison: Don't worry. He says he won't teach me anything gross or disfiguring. Just quick and lethal.

Hardison: I AM NOT REASSURED!

-==OOO==-

Nate to Sophie: Remember that one time in Madrid?

Sophie to Nate: I remember that time you cost me a Goya that was very difficult to acquire.

Nate to Sophie: Okay. Remember HOW I did it? We need to do that again.

Sophie to Nate: I am NOT riding in on a goat!

Nate to Sophie: I'll get Parker to do that part. I just need you to be ready with the whitewash.

Sophie to Nate: Is this one of those plans where I die?

Nate to Sophie: Not if you get the whitewash.

Sophie to Nate: You really are a very disturbed individual.

-==OOO==-

Parker to Eliot: Can you teach me to punch while I'm hanging upside-down? Hard enough to break something?

Eliot to Parker: Yeah. When and where?

Parker to Eliot: I'm on the roof of 4th and Oak right now.

Eliot to Parker: Are we talking about you punching other people or are you just trying to break windows?

Parker to Eliot: I was thinking people.

Eliot to Parker: On my way.

-==OOO==-

Hardison to Sophie: Hey – got any suggestions for something I can give Parker as a kind of casual not-a-serious-thing thing?

Sophie to Hardison: You know what she likes.

Hardison to Sophie: I was thinking about something other than cash. It feels weird.

Sophie to Hardison: Alec, you probably know Parker as well as if not better than the rest of us.

Hardison to Sophie: Yeah, but you're a girl.

Sophie to Hardison: Thank you for noticing. Then I would suggest you consider that anything you give Parker will mean what it means because it comes from you. You could give her the Hope Diamond or a plastic bauble and she could well love it the same.

Hardison to Sophie: That's...not exactly helpful, but thanks.

Sophie to Hardison: Oh, fine. Hang a trapeze up in the loft and be done with it.

Hardison to Sophie: YOU ARE THE BEST.

Sophie to Hardison: Just don't come crying to me when she gets you on that thing and you break your neck.

Hardison to Sophie: Wait. WHAT?

-==OOO==-

Nate to All: Guys, the comms have been compromised.

Nate to All: Keep talking, and don't let on that you know that they're listening, but I need you to move everything real to texting until I get out of this.

Hardison to All: Gotcha. I dropped a code word into the discussion. We're clear.

Parker to All: What's 'this' that you have to get out of?

Eliot to All: Yeah, Nate, how EXACTLY did our comms get compromised?

Sophie to All: And where are you?

Nate to All: In the trunk of a car. Turns out Tommy the Shark has some friends from Boston.

Parker to All: Are you unconscious?

Nate to All: No, Parker, of course I'm not unconscious. Otherwise I couldn't be texting you right now!

Parker to All: How was I supposed to know for sure? Your brain is freaky like that.

Nate to All: Okay. Focus, everybody. I know you're running a con over the comms now in addition to everything else, but we need to resolve this job fast. Preferably before this car reaches any rivers or piers or isolated spots in the woods.

Eliot to All: You guys finish the job. I'll get Nate.

Nate to All: Eliot, I need you to stay with the others. If I'm blown, we have to assume we all are. You have to protect Sophie.

Sophie to All: Nathan Ford, I will pretend you did not just type that. Eliot, go get him. I'm perfectly fine.

Parker to All: Plus, I'm right above Sophie now. Anybody makes a move towards her, I'll tase them.

Hardison to All: Looks clear. Tommy's crew mostly cleared out a few minutes ago. Just a few goons left and I 'accidentally' locked most of them in a secure file room.

Eliot to All: Hardison, get me a location on Nate. Now.

Nate to All: Eliot, I said to stay there.

Eliot to All: Nate. Sophie is at a cocktail party with no mob guys trying to grift a storage location. YOU are in the TRUNK OF A CAR which is FULL of mob guys who WANT TO KILL YOU. I know where I need to be.

Hardison to All: Eliot, I'm sending you Nate's coordinates.

Sophie to All: Eliot, I've lifted some car keys from the mark. Get ready for a reverse.

Eliot to All: Got the keys. Nate, I'm coming. Do NOT let them kill you until I get there.

Nate to All: Getting killed is always plan Z.

Parker to All: What plan are we on now?

Nate to All: Somewhere around L.

Hardison to All: Hey! Don't I usually die in M?

Nate to All: Technically, yes. But you didn't die in C or F, so I think you're safe at least until O or P.

Hardison to All: I hate you so much right now.

Sophie to All: I've got the location. Parker, meet me in the ladies' room by the south entrance.

Parker to All: Can we use the men's room? It's got better access to the vents. Probably because boys are stinky.

Sophie to All: No! I don't mind grifting, thieving, and general law-breaking, but I draw the line at watching men at urinals.

Parker to All: There's only two guys here. They're almost done.

Hardison to All: Parker, tell me you are not watching men do their very private business.

Parker to All: Okay. I'm not.

Hardison to All: Parker!

Nate to All: Guys! Knock it off! You need to get to that paperwork and get out before Tommy sends more men your way!

Parker to All: Sophie, you're all clear. I tased them.

Hardison to All: WHILE THEY WERE PEEING?

Parker to All: What? It's not like they were expecting it.

Hardison to All: God. I am NEVER using a urinal again.

Sophie to All: Given the state of these, I wouldn't recommend it. I'm with Parker and heading to the file room.

Nate to All: Sophie? Parker? Which file room? The one Hardison locked the goons in?

Sophie to All: Unfortunately, yes.

Nate to All: Dammit, Hardison!

Hardison to All: That's Eliot's line.

Nate to All: Eliot is driving. I'm picking up the slack. Now get them out of that room before Sophie and Parker run into them!

Hardison to All: Working on it.

Eliot to All: Nate I'm voice testing you from the cart period what the hell phone never mind I'm here and you should hold on to someone dammit phone I'm about to rump you

Nate to All: I can FEEL you all laughing. Stop it.

Eliot to All: Brace for important fact important dammit phone exclamation point brace for hit in ten sextons starring now

Hardison to All: If Eliot survives this, do you think he'll kill me if I set his phone to ONLY text by talking from now on?

Parker to All: YES. DO IT.

Hardison to All: Even if he kills me over it?

Parker to All: But won't it be funny in the meantime?  
Sophie to All: Hardison, when I say 'sunflower' over the comms, unlock the door. Parker and I are set.

Hardison to All: Gotcha. Ready when you are.

Nate to All: Guys? Update? Eliot's got me and my friends from the car are out cold. What's happening on comms?

Hardison to All: Sophie and Parker got the documents. I changed the comm frequency so they could get out without giving away their location. And there's about six angry mob guys chained to a urinal. Or, they'll be angry when the taser wears off.

Eliot to All: Dam it hardy sun turn off talking test right now

Hardison to All: Sorry, Eliot. I'll have to do it when you get back. You seem to have deleted your phone's keyboard somehow.

Eliot to All: I'm going to delta something hardy sun and it's gun a be your head

Nate to All: Hardison, pick up Sophie and Parker and bring the van to our location. We're going after Tommy the Shark before he realizes we're onto him. Make sure you've got a spare comm for me.

Eliot to All: And fix my phone or i will ring your nest hard attison what the hell

Sophie to All: Could be worse, Eliot. Your phone could be meowing.

Parker to All: MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOW!

-==OOO==-

Nate to Hardison: Don't tell Eliot, but keep that voice-to-text thing in reserve, will you?

Hardison to Nate: Definitely. I'm figuring out how to code his phone to switch to voice-input only any time he says 'dammit Hardison' and not change back until he says 'age of the geek.'

Nate to Hardison: Fair warning – if you unleash that while we're on a job again, I will not protect you from him when he comes for you. But I'll do whatever I can to handle things if you save it for when we're between jobs.

Hardison to Nate: Deal.

-==OOO==-

Eliot to All: Okay people this is so stupid why the bell can't i type again hard attison what the hell is at a sun why is this stupid phone in consistent anyway somebody find that hatcher geek and kill him for me so i can use my phone again period period peer iota dot i give up

Eliot to All: It's not funny we'll see who laughs when you're all surrounded by goons with guns and i just sit there crapping jokes delete delete delete are you kidding me right now delete fine see if i care just somebody find hard a sun and kill him for me before i find him

Nate to All: I'm sorry, Eliot. But it isn't just you. Parker's phone is being weird, too.

Parker to All: MEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOW!

Eliot to All: That isn't part of phone that's just her being herself

Nate to All: Well, Hardison is out visiting family right now, so you'll have to bear with it until he gets back next week.

Eliot to All: I hate you so much and next time your drunk asp needs saving don't call me

Nate to All: If I ever have a drunk asp in need of rescue, I'll be sure to handle it on my own.

Sophie to All: Eliot, if it bothers you so much, why don't you just get a new phone?

Parker to All: Because this is the phone we gave him and it reminds him of us. And if he gets rid of it, it'll be like he got rid of us. So he'll keep it no matter what Hardison does to it because the phone is us.

Sophie to All: Parker, that was very sweet. Though Eliot may not appreciate you exposing all his 'secret' emotional motivations to us all.

Parker to All: If I even knew that, you all did too, right? Did nobody else get that?

Nate to All: We got it, Parker. Eliot, if you really need me to, I'll call Hardison and get him to fix it.

Eliot to All: Forget it. I'll be fine period dot whatever just stop analyzing me

Eliot to All: And i don't want to see any of you until next weep

Parker to All: But I was right, though?

Eliot to All: Yeah

Nate to All: Have a good weekend, Eliot.

Eliot to All: Smug bastard


End file.
